a single step. a steady and consistent speed.
I try to keep moving. There’s a perception of laziness that comes with rest, with celebration, so I find that I don’t do either. And if I do have a moment where time stops, that’s all it is. A moment. For the longest time, my identity was found in how hard I worked, how well I took care of the people around me. I was determined to keep my focus, to maintain my grades, to do everything within my power to make sure nothing fell apart. Only, I began to notice that while everything around me was stable, I was the one breaking. (Surprise! I'm a fragile human!)
Unfortunately, these habits don’t break overnight. I still have this tendency to neglect my own self-care. I put aside the parts of life that only effect me— my messy desk, my dehydration, my disheveled closet— for the sake of the people I care about.
“Oh Frani, it’s ok. You’re being sacrificial. You’re being loving and selfless, always laying down your comfort for others.”
But am I really? Is it really loving for me to serve in this condition? Because in the back of my mind, I’m a martyr. When I pare things down, I realize that I’m serving out of selfishness, out of obligation. I think, “Well if I don’t do this, then it’s not gonna get done. Who cares if I’m not keeping my space organized. At least I made dinner!”
And the things get done, but at what cost? I become passive aggressive and resentful. I lose the joy I once found in taking care of people. See, I’m the kind of person who constantly pours out, but rarely allows herself to be poured into.
a change from what one is used to.
Christmas is in two days, and the new year approaches. Most people create resolutions and set goals for the upcoming year, and I never used to be one of those people. I thought, well if I want to eat healthier or drink more water, why wait two more weeks? So starting now I want to take care of myself, and I’m not talking about going on a run.
I’m talking about intentionally carving out space to rest.
I’m talking about cutting out the unnecessary, so I have time for the things that are important: things like celebrating and encouraging and creating.
I’m talking about doing the things that develop community, that build a support system.
Doing the things that remind me that I'm not alone, and I never have been.