I woke up yesterday morning with a MASSIVE list of to-do’s— neglected house chores, prep for upcoming events and general work for my business. Oh, and apparently “be fearful and worried about your money” was on that list too. That one has a tendency to sneak in because it’s such a habit for me to be anxious.
On top of that, today is my last day as a nanny for the time being. It’s my last day with my little BFFs. My last day with a “secure” job. And I keep getting this tightness in my chest because I’m scared. And sad.
I keep freezing.
I have no idea what’s coming next.
It was easy to be calm about it when the end was distant, but now it’s here.
It’s definitely ambiguous.
Ambiguity is my biggest nemesis, my most constant enemy. If I don’t know what’s coming then I can’t plan accordingly.
I can’t be my own god.
So I’m forced to just sit here and either be consumed by my own thoughts, or not. I’m forced into uncertainty once again and I can either feign control, or not.
So I pray.
Because my perspective of prayer has changed. It’s become less about asking God to make my plans happen, less about begging Him for things (then being angry at Him when He doesn’t do what I tell Him to do), and more about giving up control and realigning with the truth that I am deeply loved. In those moments when I feel that nudge from my Father to turn to Him, when I accept His invitation to interact with Him, I realign with who I truly am:
Children of God are not bound by fear, or appearances, or striving, or worry; They are secured by grace and acceptance and adoration.
And they breathe because breath gives life.
And they stop to rest because they mimic their Father.
And they know who holds them and keeps them.
When I’m back in line with the truth, I’m reminded that my Father promises to take care of me in each season, in every transition, in the uncertainty. Not only that, but He promises good things for me in the newness and in my next steps, turning my fear into curiosity for the coming months.
I guess I’ll just end with this verse that sparked this whole post:
“Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law [striving, checking boxes, endless effort to be enough] or by hearing with faith [believing that God is who He claims to be, and thus, you are who HE says you are: fully known and infinitely loved]?” |Galatians 3:2|
(Notes added by me. Heh.)